The perfect pregnancy.

Wendy's version of the perfect pregnancy:

After about a year of perfectly healthy living in which you eat well, don't drink, don't take any prescriptions or herbal supplements or eat anything on the list of things forbidden to pregnant women and you take your prenatal vitamins every single day because you are just that healthy, you notice that although you look and feel terrific, either (a) your intestines have developed free will OR (b) something is kicking you from the inside.

You make a doctor appointment and go to it wearing your cute jeans. The doctor informs you that you are pregnant, does a sonogram, the baby is perfect, and you find out you are 8 months along.

Shocked but thrilled, you pull out the old maternity clothes (which suddenly fit perfectly, even though your cute jeans fit an hour ago). You are also surprised to find that scientists have finally figured out how to make maternity pants that do not fall off, and someone has replaced all your maternity pants with magic stay-on pants that you don't have to yank up every time you breathe. You get the baby stuff out, which is clean, easy to find, puts itself together and all has working batteries.

You enjoy a month of people telling you how cute you look in which your maternity clothes all still fit and you don't get sick to death of them. No one ever rubs your belly or asks how much weight you have gained. No one comments on the size of your rear end.

Then, you have the baby at the most convenient possible time. Because you and the baby are feeling so incredibly wonderful, you are sent home from the hospital before ever having to actually eat (or smell) hospital food.

Didn't say it was reality, kittens. But it's a nice thought, all the same. Who's with me?