How to make 2 children and their mommy presentable in 59 easy steps

1. Wake up.

2. Lament how many times you were up in the night with the stupid apnea monitor on the baby.

3. Take shower.

4. Lament how long since last shower and how many times you have been puked on since last shower.

5. Mistakenly try to use conditioner in place of shampoo. Wonder what the hell happened to your shampoo.

6. Lament lack of sleep that caused you to be such a moron that you cannot find the shampoo.

7. Shave legs because you have no idea what you will be wearing to the Important Event that requires presentableness.

8. Get out of shower to tune of crying baby.

9. Put on clothes that are acceptable to be barfed upon and thus not the clothes you will be wearing to the Important Event.

10. Feed baby. Cheerfully greet 2-year-old who has woken for the day.

11. Attempt to hold crying baby and bounce while fixing breakfast for 2 year old.

12. Give up on #11. Call grandparent and invite to breakfast.

13. Change 2-year-old's diaper.

14. Greet grandparent, hand over baby, make coffee, fix breakfast.

15. Convince 2-year-old to eat breakfast.

16. Eat some breakfast yourself. After all, you're going to need your strength.

17. Make bows for 2-year-old's Very Special Outfit for Important Event.

18. Lament that you were too lazy to make them the night/week before.

19. Lament grandparent leaving.

20. Since 2-year-old for no apparent reason really wants to clean the front door, hand her a bottle of windex and a paper towel.

21. Pray windex is not toxic.

22. Get barfed on by baby. Change every single piece of clothing you and she are wearing. Again, into something that is ok to be barfed on.

23. Lament the use of an entire bottle of windex on the front door.

24. Sniff 2-year-old to see if aroma of windex is painfully obvious.

25. Feed baby.

26. Dry hair while singing the Alphabet song loudly with toddler.

27. Get barfed on again.

28. Change into clothes that {mostly} fit for Important Event.

29. Put on giant old shirt over clothes in case of more barf.

30. Convince 2-year-old to get dressed and allow her hair to be fixed.

31. Go to put contacts in.

32. Discover that last night you may have put them in the wrong sides and definitely forgot contact solution.

33. Locate new lenses.

34. Go comfort baby who has now awoken from 20 minute nap.

35. Attempt to go put on makeup.

31. Discover mid-makeup that 2-year-old has pulled her bows out and destroyed her hairdo in her gallant attempts to put a Mardi Gras necklace over her head in an attempt to be fancy for Important Event.

36. Take several deep breaths.

37. Redo hair. Replace bows. Put necklace on High Shelf.

38. Take toddler to bathroom to do makeup so she does not climb High Shelf to get necklace back.

39. Go comfort baby who is not pleased.

40. Dress baby in Very Cute Outfit. Remind self to remove giant barf-preventing T-shirt before Important Event.

41. Pack diaper bag, including Mostly Cute Outfits for everyone in case of barf or poop.

42. Load baby into car seat.

43. Put baby, car seat, purse, diaper bag, and toddler in car. Remind self to remove giant barf-preventing T-shirt before Important Event.

44. Locate car keys.

45. Run back into house for camera.

46. Repeat for cell phone.

47. Return to house with toddler to change poopy diaper.

48. Attempt to be cheerful.

49. Return to house to throw giant T-shirt back inside.

50. Question sanity.

51. Take deep breaths.

52. Wonder if you put mascara on both eyes.

53. Lament the things you didn't get into the car with.

54. Drive while singing various children's songs and instructing toddler to leave her baby sister alone.

55. Hope baby stops screaming before arriving at Important Event.

56. Put on lipstick.

57. Try to look cool. Hope this covers the lingering aroma of windex and barf.

58. Question whether or not you are currently wearing deodorant.

59. Arrive and try to make looking fabulous utterly effortless.